Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
