a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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