She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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