I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
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