They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
