i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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