my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
