i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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