just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
