3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
