WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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