The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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