haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
