Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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