How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
