Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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