Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
