This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
