she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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