Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
pray to the hookup gods
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
