There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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