Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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