I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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