Capitaan dildo arrescate!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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