The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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