You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
