dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
