apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i would one night stand the shit outta him
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
