i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
