Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
