its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
