I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
