i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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