not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
