I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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