getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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