I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
