Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
