i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
