new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
