remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
