I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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