I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
