you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
