my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
