Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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