if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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