Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
