I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
