Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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