everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize