dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
