The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize