dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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