Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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