i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
