He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
