the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
