He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
