John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
