just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need to sanitize my soul.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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