dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
