theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
